Friday, June 23, 2006

How To Tell If Your Children Are Being Influenced By Liberals

All parents want what’s best for their children. As Christians, we understand that Satan is always sneaking around looking for ways to influence us in our daily lives, well, the same goes for children, but on an even sneakier level. Children don’t have the life experience to tell when they are being influenced in a way that is detrimental to their best interests. Their minds are still forming, and oh does Satan love a fresh mind to corrupt! If you suspect your children have come under the influence of Satan, you are probably correct. You MUST take action against the evil, doing nothing is exactly what Satan wants. If you do not act to counter the communistical thought parasite of Liberalism, your child will grow up to live in your basement forever, while working at McDonalds and whining to you on a daily basis about how the Republicans have ruined any chance of him ever getting a decent job and moving out.

Here’s a list of signs to help determine if Liberals are influencing your child. Remember be vigilant, Satan is a sneaky Devil!

1. Your child develops an unhealthy fascination with the 1960’s. Check their school notebooks for doodles of peace signs, a sure sign that they have become interested in the “hippy” drug culture. This type of influence can usually be blamed on a liberal teacher who in an attempt to catch the interest of his class will pretend he was at Woodstock and make up stories of his hippy adventures. On rare occasions a substitute teacher who really was at Woodstock will be to blame, but as they were most likely so high on acid that they can’t remember the actual event, the resulting influence will be identical “peace and love” hippy bullshit lies.

2. Your child refuses to eat meat, on the grounds that it is cruel to animals. This is a RED ALERT. Someone is influencing your child’s very being and you need to find out who it is. We are here on this earth to have dominion over the beasts, and in order to be a healthy vegan you need to spend so much time worrying about what it is that you are eating that your actual life becomes meaningless and you turn into a great big anemic looser. Finding the influencer shouldn’t be very hard, they will be pale with thin unshiny hair, either very skinny or very fat, lacking in energy and will most likely be wearing leather Birkenstocks.

3. You find your child reading Marx. If your child knows the meaning of the word proletariat, you are in trouble. This is an extreme case in which my best advice would be to pack up the family and move as soon as possible. Your child is most likely in a cult being run by a closet Marxist that is disguised as a debate club or a literature club being offered through the school. A good way to avoid this happening is to make sure all of your child’s extra curricular activities are run through your Church.

4. Your child begins to rebel against authority. Liberal influencers will tell your children as many lies as they can to get them to turn against their parents. This helps to ensure a future generation of welfare parasites which will keep their evil empire well fed and relevant, while they feast on the sweat off the backs of the hard working taxpayer. If your child starts referring to the government in derogatory tones or terms, he has begun to be influenced away from the God’s truth that the government is of the people for the people. He has distanced himself from the beauty of America and has begun to turn on his brother, as is what Satan wants.

6. Your child begins to question capitalism and the American way. A sure sign of Liberal infection is if your child tells you that money is not a measure of success. They will rant about the “worker” and how you, his loving parents, are agents of “the man” and how some crackpot in South America is going to lead a worker’s revolution that will shake the very foundations of your “white bread” world. They will quit all competitive team sports, claiming that winning isn’t everything. Some may even claim that Jesus was a communist! The best thing to do in this type of situation, is to take away their iPods, their car keys and all clothing except for two sweaters and one pair of pants for boys, and two dresses for girls. Make them use soap for shampoo and toilet paper for maxi pads. Take away from them anything which your evil capitalist money has purchased. That includes the stereo and all their Rage Against the Machine CD’s. If that doesn’t work, send them off to North Korea with a packed lunch.

7. Your child has been influence by Liberal fluff bunnies. If your child has been reading Michael Moore or surfing the liberal blogs from somewhere outside your influence, you really don’t have much to worry about. If you are confronted with arguments based on information your child has learned from Michael Moore, the best thing to do is laugh. And laugh. And laugh some more, until your child leaves the room. If confronted with information they have received from liberal blogs, remind them that AnnieAngel, a little Christian woman, armed only with the truth and a great pair of legs, can take on a whole blog of them by herself at anytime, and come away the winner. And then laugh. And laugh. And laugh some more.

This is just a small sample of behaviors that may indicate that your child has been compromised by Satan. Any behavior out of the ordinary should be carefully monitored. Liberals, like drug dealers, are trying to sell your children false happiness wrapped up in a great big lie of dependence. Let’s clean up our streets! Remember parents, the children are the future!