Thursday, July 12, 2007

How To Be A Good Feminist Wife

Hey girls, do you wear the pants in your family? Do you bring home the bacon, but refuse to fry it up?? If this sounds like you and you're not a lesbian, this simple list will help you to learn how to be a good feminist wife and maybe please your Husband without sacrificing your need to act like a man.

*Note to readers, this list is made in jest but it also aims to shed some light on how silly some of these feminist women really are. I would NEVER recommend any woman to follow this list, if you wish to learn how to truly be a good wife please see this article:
How To Be A Good Christian Wife

1. Just because you've worked hard all day, it's no excuse to shirk your responibilities, ladies! The garbage is overflowing and it's up to you to empty it before your Husband tosses another beer can in its general direction. He's been tossing trash all day, so make sure it's the first thing you do when you get home, and DON'T make him have to ask you to do it. It will make him happy to see you get to work as soon as you walk in, and a happy Husband is the best kind.

2. He's hungry and so are you and of course you haven't gone to the grocery store, which is in itself a sexist instituiton, so there's no food in the house. It's time to let your fingers do the walking and order up a nice feast of chinese food, pizza or whatever can get there fast. If you have an account at the restaurant, you can go and have a shower and leave it for your Husband to answer the door and tip the delivery person. Never make him pay for the purchase because math is hard for him and he'll never get the right change and he'll overtip. An account solves that problem nicely. Make sure he has the tip money before you get into the shower or else he'll have to go through the embarassment of bringing you your purse while you are in there so you can give him the money, the delivery person will have to wait and the whole situation will cause resentment on the part of your Husband. Letting him answer the door and give the tip will give him a false sense of purpose, and men just love that. It makes them confident, and if you want him to perform his Husbandly bedroom duties in a satisfactory manner, confidence is a plus.

3. Don't worry about cleaning the house. You're a strong woman, hear you roar! Use some of your hard earned cash to hire one of the masses of unenlightened women who actually will stoop as low as to clean a toilet. Some women actually enjoy cleaning! Don't try to talk sense into a senseless creature, leave her to her lot in life, but make sure to hire an ugly old woman. You may be progresive but you aren't stupid. Men are drawn to a woman who cleans for them, it reminds them of their opressed mother who made them feel as if they were special for simply being born with a penis. A young woman will think nothing of stealing your Husband away with offers of hot home-cooked meals and children. A woman like that will talk up your man and badmouth you, all while you're paying her, don't be an idiot. Old and ugly is the way to go.

4. Don't neglect home improvements!! While it's ok to hire others to clean and cook, you MUST do your own repairs if you want to be a proper feminist wife. Otherwise you're just a woman with a job. Paint, drywall, you can do it all! Buy yourself some tools, big ones, great big powerful tools that you can keep in your "work area" in the garage. It doesn't matter if your house is brand new, something always needs to be done. Oil those hinges! Caulk those windows!! Clean the gutters!!! A ladder is the best friend of a true feminist, it allows the whole neighborhood to see you up there, fixing stuff and being all the woman you can be!! YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

5. Always cut the lawn in view of your Husband. Use a power-push mower, not a rider, you may have a pussy but you're not a pussy! It's great exercise and it allows him to watch you work without getting in your way, or being obvious about it. He'll enjoy watching you sweat, and hopefuly you'll get some sex out of it. Make sure you keep your grass short and your yard neat, the world is judging you, and that's something that matters a lot to you, being a true feminist.

6. Own at least one vibrator. The more vibrators you own, the more of a true feminist you are. Go to sex-toy parties, heck, even host a few! It's a great way to meet other true feminists for business contacts, but make sure to ask discreet questions about the other guests if you're invited to a party outside of your circle. Never go to a lesbian sex-toy party. Lesbians are not true feminists because they don't have a subduded male in their care. Avoid them like the plague as they will bore everyone to death with talk of how men are the root cause of all evil in the universe. The term "preaching to the choir" has no meaning to them. Make sure that your Husband sees the vibrators, but never allow him to use one on you or watch you use one on yourself. Keeping him in the dark about your vibrator use will intimidate him into making sure you get lots and lots of sex to prove how great his penis is, and isn't lots and lots of sex really what it's all about???

7. Never marry a man who makes more money or has a more powerful position then you. Money and power make men confident. A true feminist cannot marry a confident man because confident men are by nature sexist. There will be a constant power struggle on your part, and I say on your part because he won't even notice. Don't waste your time, you want a man who can tell you're a feminist and who will respect that by taking a job such as a chef (which keeps him in the kitchen, wouldn't that be sweet) or an electrician. Or maybe a teacher, as long as it's not math or science.

8. Make sure he has no access to money but through you. He'll spend it and he won't know what he spent it on. You need to be in charge of all finances, from the mortgage to the phone bill. Never expect him to be able to handle going to the bank or paying a bill for you, don't even ask. Take care of these things yourself. Always.

9. Hate Jesus and all Christians, whether you get married or not. Acceptable religions are Wiccanism and anything new age and goddessy.

These are just a few things to keep in mind if you're a feminist thinking about marriage. The hardest part will be learning to view your Husband as an equal, because you'll be doing all the work and he being a man will not give you the credit you deserve. So don't bother trying to view him as human, you know you're better than him, you're a true feminist and DON'T YOU FORGET IT!!!!! Following this list sure won't please Jesus and it actually probably won't please your Husband, but it will please you, and you're the only one who matters. Isn't that right girls??